Monday, August 31st/Tuesday, September 1st/09, Northern Quebec and Ontario

For most who know me, pretty well I guess, “The Great Outdoors” was and still is one of my favorite films of all time, that along with “Roxanne,” “Ghostbusters” and “Honey I shrunk the kids.” It’s got the brilliance of John Candy, god rest his soul, and Dan Akroyd, brothers, thrown into the wilderness with their families on vacation at the same time to the same place. Hilarity ensues with antics involving boating and water-skiing mishaps, a dirty old cabin in which the families share, a trip to a nearby town for some late-night fun and even a run-in with a violent storm and giant black bear. My favorite scene, in the steakhouse, John Candy orders the “Old 96’er” in an attempt to eat the whole thing and win free t-shirts and dessert for the kids. Comical genius. I often thought, when I was a kid, I would run into that sort of thing in the event my family actually decided to take a camping trip, a surprise visit from one of my aunts and uncles, and we would be thrown into the same sort of outdoor shinanigan’s. Sadly, neither my parents nor my sisters ever cared much for the sport. Now, that I’m older, it is solely left up to me, the dream I had of one day acting out this movie in full. I have other dreams, of course, but this one remains prominent.

We woke up in the afternoon, to Sandy’s roommate, Katie, and her two downright precious wiener dogs. Sandy, Patrick, Tyson and I went out and about to get some breakfast at a little cafe down the street, breakfast bagels and mounds of fantastic fresh fruit were consumed, for under $5.00, god bless this city. We returned and packed up and were out right quick as Sandy and Katie had to interview a potential new roommate. Nothing worse than having a possible new flatmate come in to talk and see the place and find 4 transients passed out on the couch and floor, not to mention adding a new pungent odor, Dan’s feet and lord knows what else, unknown pathogens contracted from everywhere we’ve been. We said our goodbyes again, thanked Sandy for pretty much everything, pondered staying another day. We were on the road again, starting our journey back west, to a show in Thunder Bay, which was 2 days from now, and alot of driving and camping in between, in a relatively foreign land.

We made frequent stops, for beverages, McDonalds, Loblaws, urinary expulsion, in many towns along the way. I was hoping to hit a lake, maybe rent a jet-boat, as opposed to a pontoon boat to retake Omaha beach, but nobody else was really into it. The first night, we camped on an abandoned highway, overrun by foliage, the asphalt cracked and beaten down, eerily lit by moonlight. We went on an adventure down to the river nearby and the surrounding area, which was equally as desolate, creeped the hell out of me, to tell the truth. We got on the topic of a post-nuclear world, post-disease outbreak, Fallout and 28 days later came to mind, adding to the uneasiness of being in the middle of nowhere, discussed what we’d all look like as mutants; Lewis 100 feet tall, Dan made of hair which he controlled with his mind, Tyson an enlarged braincase to rule all mutants, me with one big eye, much like a cyclops. It passed and we fell asleep again, outside.

The next morning was hot (not in a sexual way) and uncomfortably so, considering how cold the evening was. We continued on our trek, with the usual van activities, loud music, solitaire, reading, napping, eating whatever we found on the floor, in the wrapper of course. We came up with the van policy that, whatever we find underneath bags and seats is fair game, if not in the box it originally came in (oh, the tension) We stopped at the legendary Canadian Tire to replace a headlight that was out for too long. The passenger side door has also been out of order since we left, we figured it too much effort, and since we are all silly boys, did not have the desire to fix it because we came to the conclusion that, if we can’t fix it ourselves, we resort to amazing logic and just let it be what it is, broken or not. We drove all day and camped out just outside of Timmins, a town called Moonbeam ONT, at a wonderful “campsite,” that had showers, laundry, bathrooms, vending machines, all inclusive. It was more like an insanely cheap motel. There was no television or internet and we slept outside, but since it was summer and $20.00 for the site, it was legitimate. I was also surprised at the absence of wildlife during our camping adventures. I mean it, no birds, no deer, no moose, no bears, no crazy skunk-haired hermits claiming to have been struck by lightning 66 t-times in the h-h-head. All we really experienced was a fish jumping and other “campers,” who have satellite television and air conditioning in their motorhomes and come up here each weekend to take it all in, how inspiring. No wonder all the animals are vacating the premises, with our encroaching development and litter, boring and predictable humans. I don’t think we’ll ever learn.